Home Again
by mistyfur
Summary: Sometimes the truth can become distorted and reality is lost.


Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

Kathryn walked the long, twisting corridor to her quarters as if in a daze. Walls seemed to blur and waver before becoming solid once more. She felt her perception shift again and dizzying sensations and memories bombarded her mind. Being aboard Voyager had an almost surreal feel to it. The walls and floor were too grey, they seemed to close in on her and strangle her with the weight of emotions that clung to them. Her implanted memories fought with the ones that were true, causing her head to spin as they superimposed themselves in a whirlwind of confusion. She paused, a hand braced against the cold steel, as she tried to catch her breath.

She breathed deeply before she resumed her slow pace, only to stop again when in front of her quarters. She looked at the closed doors, seeking a hint of what was behind and almost afraid of what she would find.

"Kathryn."

Kathryn spun around as her name was called out and saw him behind her. Like he always was, just waiting to support her, if she gave the slightest indication that she needed him. She watched as he made his way closer, her eyes taking in the man that she had tried to think of as only a friend for too many years. The past few weeks with Jaffen had shown her a new life. One where duty had mixed with everyday pleasure of life without weakening her, instead enriching everything that touched them. As she watched him stride towards her, her lips parted slightly in appreciation as the black material clung to his powerful thighs and the red jacket accented his broad shoulders. The attraction was still as powerful and stunning as their first meeting when she had slapped her hand on his chest to hold him back from attacking Tom. She had buried those feelings and desires but having her memories reprogrammed had brought them all back upon their first meeting at the power distribution center.

The instant attraction and déjà vu that she had felt had shocked her, especially as she was with Jaffen. Too some degree, it had scared her and caused her to blurt out her moving in with Jaffen. At the time, she had not recognized the hurt that filled those dark eyes but now she could barely hold back the words that threatened to spill from her. Words of apology and caring in light of what happened.

She knew that Chakotay had not always been without companionship, after all nothing had been promised between the two of them. There might have been a few vague conversations, a look or a touch made but nothing specific said. She had made it clear to him that all they could be was friends regardless of her personal feelings and with her decision; he had no choice but to accept it and try to move forward with his life. The friendship grew and the attraction abated into the background until she had almost thought that she had imaged it all.

Until now…

The only question was what to do about it?

Should she go back to pretending it never existed or see where this could go? The excuses she had used were ridiculous and no longer applicable. They had managed to survive through arguments and terse words, without letting it affect their duties to Voyager and her crew. Could she take the next step? Would he be willing? After all it had been some years since New Earth and since the last time she had shown him any hint of a woman that desired him.

If they went through this, they went in knowing both the good and the bad. Not in a rush of sexual attraction that could fizzle out as their personalities become know to each other.

"Going in?" Chakotay asked, peering intently at her as he tried to get a feel for how she was adjusting to everything.

Kathryn reached forward and took hold of his hand. She ignored his start of surprise at her bold move. "Join me for dinner?"

"Are you sure? It is your first day back, I do not want to-" Chakotay started to say only to be silenced by her.

"I'm sure. I do not want to be alone," Kathryn replied with a small smile. "Please."

The door opened and she tugged him into her darkened quarters.

"Computer, lights fifty percent," she called out as she lead him to the sofa at the far end of her room. The passing stars mere pinpricks in the window looking out at the universe that they traversed. The rich midnight black landscape populated by sparkles of bright translucent light, the pale colours of gaseous entities as Voyager pushed her way homeward.

Chakotay pulled her to a stop and looked at her, taking in the image before him. His eyes seeking answers that only she could answer. Taking a deep breath, Kathryn stepped closer to him until her chest met his. Their breathing in tandem, brushing against each other, the only sounds being emit were the shallow rush of air.

Slowly, as if to pull away if she indicated the slightest hint of disapproval, his arms slide down her back, his fingers tracing each vertebrae enjoying the feel of her beneath his touch. She arched closer, murmuring her approval at his actions. His hands settled on her waist, encircling her petite frame before sliding down her hips to cup her buttocks and pull her closer to him. Pressing her forward to feel his desire for her.

"Why now?' Chakotay asked, hands tightening subconsciously as he waited for her response.

Kathryn raised up on her tip toes, her arms entwining around his neck and inhaled his rich musky scent. She brushed her lips over his, marvelling over the softness and heat. Her fears leaving her as he stayed in place, allowing her gentle kisses without protest. "We've waited long enough, don't you think?"

Chakotay said nothing and in those few seconds Kathryn's fear exploded. How stupid was she to think that he would still be waiting for her.

"Unless I just made a complete ass out of myself," Kathryn muttered, backing away only to gasp as he lifted her up and pressed her against the wall, while his mouth voraciously engulfing hers, demanding entrance and tangling with her tongue. The calm demeanour gone and in its place, a flood of desire and heat that took over and spun them about in dizzying circles. His mouth slanted over her, demanding her response and teasing and nipping until she followed his retreat with a husky growl.

Heat… passion… whimpers… moans filled the air.

Each caress, each nibble, each whimper and groan that was uttered fanned the fires that engulfed them. They were cast upon the waves of desire and could only shuddered in want as the waves lapped at their flesh.

Chakotay felt frantic hands pull at his uniform, tugging and straining the fabric as it refused to budge. A loud ripping sound burst through the air and her hands paused as if shocked at her wanton behaviour had lead her so far but whatever sense of propriety that had been regained was quickly pushed aside with a rapid tug at the thin grey undershirt. He heard her pleased murmur and braced himself for the feel of her hands on his naked flesh.

Trembling hands stroked him, following the contours of his body, tracing the clenched muscles and circling his belly button before traveling under the shirt to play with his nipples. Kathryn flicked and stroked the tiny nubs, delighting in Chakotay's muffled moan as she played with his body.

Chakotay worked his way away from her lips and traveling the length of the stubborn curve of her jaw to seek the tender spot just where her ear and jaw meant. He blew over it, seeing the goose bumps rise, his tongue darted out and drew a small line to her lobe before encasing it in his mouth. He smiled as he felt Kathryn melt further into his body, her hands clenching hold of him to stay standing up in the wake of his sudden attack.

"Chak… Ooo… tay," Kathryn huskily moaned, "Please…"

"Kathryn, we shouldn't…" Chakotay replied, pressing kisses with each word spoken, "go any further until we talk about this."

"What is there to talk about? I want you… You want me…" Kathryn replied, rolling her hips to nudge against him. "Do you not want me, Chakotay?"

He groaned at her words, not want her? Where had she been the last few years? It had taken everything within him to stay with the friendship zone that she needed.

"Why now, Kathryn?" Chakotay growled, his hands stilling the seduction that she teased him with.

"No man is an island and I denied it for stupid reasons that when I looked beyond the fears I had, they made no sense," Kathryn admitted with a crooked grin, "You know how stubborn I can be when I get an idea in my head."

"That I knew," Chakotay replied, bending down to press a tender kiss on the tip of her nose. "What I was not expecting was the sexy, wild woman that you have kept leashed up beneath your prim exterior."

"I am more than just a captain, Mr. Chakotay," Kathryn purred sultry, her brilliant blue eyes smoky with desire. "I am a woman who has needs, desires, feelings and… one that hungers for your touch."

Chakotay scooped her up into his arms and strolled into her darkened bedroom. "Then you have come to the right place, Kat. I am a man that has been starving to have you at my mercy for a long time. You did get a clear bill of health from the Doctor, right?"

In the darkness, his low voice wrapped around her sense and brought vivid images to mind.

"Perfectly healthy and more rested then he has every seen since he was first activated," she replied, content to be his arms. "Am I going to need medical attention, Commander?"

"I may have to perform CPR at some point during the evening but I think that you will be fine for what I have planned for you," Chakotay teased in a playfully voice. Reaching the bed, he carefully dropped her, listening to her sharp inhale as he dropped her. He lowered his body over hers and snuggled into the conclave that she made. "You seem a little short of breath, Kathryn."

Kathryn pulled him down, lips curling into a content smile at his action, she breathlessly replied, "I do feel a little light headed."

"I have just what the doctor order," Chakotay growled, pinning her in place and kissing her with all the passion that he had suppressed over the years.

They wove a spell over each other, there was no area of their body that their touch had missed. They had caressed, stroked, kissed, suckled, worshiped each others bodies well into the night. Their cries of passion muted by the frantic seeking of lips as they traversed previously unknown discovered pleasure points.

It was a celebration of desire fulfilled and the start of something knew as the frantic joining became tender and loving. The raging fires tamed in the realization that they would not be ripped apart from each other. Instead, the embers of love were fanned, still as hot as the flames but without the uncontrollable elements that they symbolized. From those tiny embers, new flames would appear, a constant exploration for them to dive into and embrace.

It was well into the night when they fell into an easy sleep, arms wrapped around each other and content smile that refused to go away.

* * *

The months had flow by as their relationship continued to grow, they were still keeping it a secret from the crew. Content for the time being to simply relish in being in each others company and learning about each other. Their friendship had given them an outlook into the other but the intimacy they now shared, add a new level to their relationship. One that they were exploring and enjoying as it progressed.

They spent as many nights as possible together, sometimes making love, sometimes talking about their dreams and hopes, sometimes holding each other in comfort when they lost a crew member or when news reached them from home that was terrible.

Tonight was one of those nights.

The monthly transmission from Starfleet had arrived and one look at Admiral Paris' visage had warned them that not all was well on the home front.

"Captain Janeway," Admiral Owen Paris's voice was strained, "I have some news to tell you but I do not exactly know how to break it."

Kathryn smiled at her mentor, trying to ignore the kernel of fear that was growing within her. "You have never had any trouble with being completely blunt with me, Admiral. Let's not start now."

"Kathryn, there was an attack," Owen began, looking at her, "and your mother and sister were aboard the ship."

"No," Kathryn whispered, shaking her head in denial, her heart clenching in fear at what his next words would be.

"There were no survivors. I am so sorry, Kathryn." Owen said softly, watching as his once start pupil shatter before his eyes at the news he was forced to impart to her.

Kathryn stood before him, unmoving as he uttered the words that she had dreaded hearing. Her family was dead. Annoying little Phoebe, who had grown up and saved Kathryn at the darkest point of her life after Daddy and Justin had died. No more Phoebe that had dragged her out of her room to muck around in the garden and explore the hidden caves when they went on vacation.

Her mother who had baked her favourite brownies when she was feeling down or hugged her when life became unbearable or provided her with wisdom that when Kathryn was younger would only roll her eyes at, but as she grew older came to realize, the words as truth. While her father had challenged her to grow into a perfect officer, Gretchen Janeway would force her to step back and be a child.

The Janeway women had spent hours just talking, a mug of hot coffee in their hands and plate of brownies between them sharing. The rich scents and the sound of laughter filling the old fashioned farm house with love and happiness.

Dimmed a bit when Kathryn was lost but brought back to life when the news reached them that she was safe and alive. They had resumed the ritual, Phoebe and Gretchen in the Alpha Quadrant and Kathryn all the way on the other side of the universe. Each month when they had that brief window to see each other, they all held mugs of coffee and talked.

Each one would need the same.

"We have keep a mug ready for you when you get back from exploring," Gretchen would call out her voice breaking as tears filled her blue eyes so like her daughter's, her image breaking as the signal vanished again until the next month. "See you soon, Katie love."

Only now there would be a soon. Instead of her mother and sister's embrace, she would be lead to their graves. Cold, unfeeling nothing like the people that she loved and had been loved by. She was alone.

Kathryn stumbled forward, her slight frame trembling. Her eyes almost pinpricks and her head reeling, her breath coming out in short pants as the dizziness increased. From the distance, she heard someone call out her name frantically before reality blurred and she sank into oblivion.

* * *

"How is she, Doctor?"

Kathryn was curled into a small ball, her eyes closed to block out the bright lights within the room. The deep baritone sound familiar but it was as if her mind was filled with cobwebs, everything seemed as if she had fight free of the darkness that she found herself in. Beneath her lids, she could see the clear, white light beckoning to her to open her eyes and look about her.

"There has been a slight reaction to the simulations but as I have said before, I can not promise you that this is a sign of her pulling through. You just have to -"

"Wait and see," the male finished, weariness in his tone.

Kathryn shifted slightly as a the sound of a door opening and shuffling feet made their way towards her. The familiar scent of jasmine perfume waft in the air, the delicate scent filling the same room and reaching its patient. Gentle hands brushed aside the strands of hair that had fallen free of the clip that her hair had been placed in.

The tender touch evoked memories long forgotten, until the truth hit her. Kathryn gasped, fighting back the tendrils that had entwined over her and kept her locked in the darkness. Pinpricks of sensation rolled over her body causing her to groan in discomfort.

"Katie…" Gretchen's voice called out to her eldest daughter, the plea within it almost unbearable to those listening to it. Her hands grasped one of Kathryn's, holding on tight.

This was not the first time that it seemed that Kathryn would break through the veil that she was behind, all they could do was wait.

"Momma," Kathryn whimpered in a raspy voice that had almost been silenced with disuse. Turning her face towards the sound of her mother's voice. Her lids fluttered open only to close again under the bright glare. "Bright."

"What was that, Katie?" She asked, praying for another response from her child.

"Lights… bright," Kathryn replied slurring the words into one.

"Computer lights down thirty percent," the doctor called out.

"Open your eyes, Katie," her mother begged, her breath catching as she looked upon the blue eyes that for once recognized her. Instead of being greeted by a blank stare, her daughter was back. Confusion and a series of emotions flashed in those beautiful azure orbs.

"You're alive," Kathryn whispered quietly, her voice wavering as her world coming apart as she saw the familiar face of her mother. A face that she had given up any chance of seeing when she had stranded the Voyager in the Delta Quadrant.

"Oh, Katie," her mother sobbed, pulling her into a desperate hug and rocking her eldest child in her arms. The weight that had been placed on her heart and soul lifting at last since her daughter's dementia had taken her from her family.

It had torn the family apart. Edward had retreated further into his Starfleet duties and stayed away from home, the memories within the two storey home too much for him to handle, especially when he was enclosed within his office. Trying desperately to work, ignoring the image propped at the edge of his desk as his memory taunted him with childlike giggles and shrieks of his little girl.

The phantom like sensations of a tiny hand, fingers knotting in the thick material, seemed to tug at his uniform pants, demanding his attention, only to vanish as quickly as the on coming mist over the vale. Closing his eyes he could almost hear her tiny voice repeating her multiplication tables, the smallest hint of a lisp every time she said her sixes and sevens. His precious Goldbird, silenced for far to long. She was no longer a small child, no longer would a whisper was uttered from her. The years had passed by, rushing by them at a dizzying speed, aging them all but for Kathryn. Her body had aged but her mind was still the young woman of twenty-five who had remained locked in her glass prison of her mind where no one able to shatter through her barriers until today.

Without warning, she had come back for the first time since she was captured by the Cardassins, his little girl had awaken and her silenced voice rang out in the quiet of white, padded room.

Edward fought to hold back the emotions rolling over him and without a word exited the room, finding a chair nearby and collapsing into it. Overwhelmed, he tried to stop the raging emotions that tore through his carefully maintain mask that he hid behind.

"Dad!"

He looked up, staring blankly at his younger daughter as she raced to his side. She looked so much like her sister but her personality was so like her mother. While Kathryn reached for the stars and was driven to travel and explore them, their youngest, Phoebe, was drawn to the rich earth, crystalline waters and blue skies. From her hands, she created works of art, drawing on nature to guide her allow her path. The fragrant red clay moulded and lovingly shaped into images that only she could see in her minds eye. Each work brought tears to those that beheld them but the impact of a recent series brought even the most hard hearted of viewers to leave with awe and sadness at the viewing. Her collection, forever froze in time, was images of sisters. Some of them being torn apart, while most were of one sister offering comfort to another. Arms entwined around each other, sheltering them from all, their flowing locks floating around their body and curling around them, bonding them in place.

Her art brought her peace, peace that eluded him. Edward had blamed himself since the incident. He had urged Kathryn to join Starfleet, proud that she wanted to follow in his footsteps. Another Janeway entering the echelons of Starfleet Academy, a prestige institution that had housed Janeway's since it's early creation. The drive to serve always pulled a Janeway to it's rank, Kathryn had felt that drive since she was a young girl and it was calling that he had encouraged. Proud to see the tradition continue until it had lead to her destruction. If he could, he would pay whatever price he could and reverse the passage of time. Instead of leading her towards her path, he would have steered her clear. Anything would have better than what had befallen her.

"What happened?" Phoebe demanded, panting for breath after the long run from the parking lot. "Mom said something had happened with Kathryn. Is… is she…" Her voice trailed off, unable to bare saying the words.

"She's awake," Edward replied gruffly, his voice hoarse. "She's back, Phoebe."

Phoebe gasped at his words and rushed forward. She burst through the door and stood still, tars streaming down her cheeks as she saw her mother rocking Kathryn and singing her a lullaby from their youth.

"Katie…" She walked slowly towards the figures, almost afraid to move to quick as if it would shock her sister back into the inner hell she had inhabited for far too long. She raised a trembling hand and ran it over the long auburn strand of hair that was pulled back in a simple ponytail.

A thin, bony had clasped over hers, clutching it tightly. "Phobes."

"Hey Kit Kat," Phoebe murmured, sitting at the edge of the bed. Her heart soaring at her sister's only word. She was usually a blank canvas. Unmoving and unblinking as Phoebe chattered up a storm, talking about all the little things that they used to before the incident.

Kathryn felt surreal, her mind supply her memories of her lost and her family lost to her and yet here they were. Alive and well, while she was in an institution. She cringed as pain flared across her brow, the room blurring at the edges and her vision becoming distorted. The comforting whispers of her mother and sister growing faint.

_'Kath… yn… His voice called out to her. ' …ck, pl….'_

She turned towards the call, frowning as the broke and became distorted. A massive pressure building behind her temple until it felt like she was being held underwater. Voices and sounds became dull and difficult to understand. She pressed her hands to her ears, holding tight to stop the rising pain.

_'Chakotay.' _Her heart called out while her mind struggled between what was real and what was an illusion.

"Baby, I have missed you so much," Gretchen said, brushing her hair and pressing a loving kiss on her brow. "We have so much to catch up on, Katie. Now that you are back with us, we can go on that trip-"

"NO!" Kathryn screamed suddenly, kicking and struggling in her mother's embrace. "No… no… no... dead… all dead."

"Please baby, stop!" Gretchen cried, holding her tighter, ignoring the failing hands and legs. "Please…"

_'Come back to me, Kathryn.' He pleaded. 'Please.'_

"NO! Let me go!" Kathryn trashed about, ignoring the pain in her desperation to free herself. "Not real! This isn't real!"

"Kathryn, no baby," Gretchen pleaded watching the light dim in Kathryn's eyes, returning her to the blank stare that haunted her every night. She shook Kathryn, fingers clinging to frail shoulders as she tried to hold her child from the prison of her mind. "Please... please. No... please. Stay with us."

Orderlies rushed into the room, one pulling Gretchen free and the other held down Kathryn, injecting her with a sedative. They remained there until Kathryn's eyes began to close and her struggles became weaker.

Gretchen collapsed into one of the chairs, trying to hold back the wrenching sobs that were close to the surface and threatening to spill free. In the distance, she felt Phoebe lay a hand on her shoulder and the gentle pressure to rise. A warm arm wrapped around her, guiding her out the room and into the empty corridor.

Pain filled blue eyes, so like her daughter's, met hers. She stumbled into his embrace. After the brief shining light to be in the dark again. She sought him out, needing him to anchor her as the darkest grew within. The tiny flicker of hope fought against the helplessness that threatened to smudge it out.

"Why?" She whispered, her tears wetting his sweater, "Why Edward?"

"Shhh," Edward murmured gruffly trying to comfort her, fighting back the pain in his heart to comfort his devastated wife, knowing that his words were meaningless to her mother's heart. He looked beyond her and saw Phoebe. She looked lost and ready to collapse, he reached out to his youngest and pulling her close as well. The three of them drawing strength of the other.

They ignored the sudden rush of people racing into the next room and the angry yells of a male calling out a woman's name. They were lost in moment, the outside world unimportant as they dealt with the latest blow.

They had been so close.

* * *

"Chakotay!" She gasped, surging up from the biobed and frantically looking around. Afraid that she would still be trapped in the white room with the ghosts of her family.

"Oh Kathryn," Chakotay whispered, pulling her close and pressing gentle kisses on her brow. 'It's alright. I'm here. You're safe.'

"I came back for you," Kathryn replied, holding him close, shivering in his arms.

She was safe.

She had come home again.

.

.

.

.

**The End**

* * *

AN: Based on the Buffy episode "Normal Again"


End file.
